Buen Viaje

Today, I said farewell to a beloved companion. I know that there are some people that will not understand what I am about to say,  and to them I will say fuck you, stop reading. I am not holding a gun to any one's head and I don't care what other people think. I don't write blogs for anyone else but me. For me, a blog is my journal...my story...my life...my thoughts. My rants, ravings, and sometime realities...

Anyway, today I said goodbye to a beloved cat. In 1997 right after I married my (now ex) husband, he brought me home a cute little fuzzy kitten. My ex told me that he was a Siamese, but as he grew older it was obvious he was mixed with something else.

He was an ornery little ball of fur, but I loved him dearly. I named him Oscar (one of my favorite names). Several months later I rescued a playmate for him. The two of them were hellions in their younger years.

After 6 months of being married, I moved back home. My parents came to Ft. Riley and took me and the cats in tow back home to Ohio (long story which I will not go into at this time). I didn't think Oscar was going to make it off the base. He didn't like being in a cage and decided to be very vocal about it. He yowled all the way from Kansas to Ohio.

Abridged version, my ex and I reconciled and I was moving to Germany with him. During this period of time my father, who dislikes cats, grew very attached to Oscar and my mother grew quite fond of Satan. I knew that they had a chance at a perfect life where they were, so...I let them stay with my parents when I moved.

My parents spoil the cats rotten. They want for nothing and have seen more love than I could have hoped for.

Today, after several months of various illnesses, Oscar's battles were over. In the end he was diagnosed with a massive tumor on his stomach which the vet was certain it was cancerous. In his demeanor, it was apparent that he was very ill and was suffering and there was only one choice to make.

It is never easy to have to make a choice like that. Many people don't understand that pet's have become family to us...they are the children we could (or can) never have.

I will miss him dearly, but I know that he is in a better place and is no longer in any pain.

So I write this blog...in loving memory.

Oscar

1997 - 2010

Good journey my friend. I will see you again someday.

Buen Viaje mi amigo

Constants.....

There are a few things that shall remain constant in my life right now it seems....

1. I shall always abhor the subject of mathmatics. Though I had two professors that actually made it seem easy to understand, it will reamin...this semester...disliked.

2. For two years now, I have missed the GAF (German-American Festival for you non-Toledoans out there). Both times I have been sick. I am sensing that I am not meant to go to the GAF, and as a dear friend of mine pointed out today, it seems there could be a conspiracy. Who knows? What I do know: I missed seeing Polka Flloyd perform today and I was looking forward to it.

3. I am destined to reamin single. I just don't get where all the good, decent men are hiding...and I am tired of looking. Perhaps, the reason is so that I may continue dating jerks and can continue with my blog "The Faux Pas of Dating".

Perhaps I am just in a funk because my birthday is coming up in a week and I am afraid to say that at 33 this isn't where I expected my life to be. I guess I always thought things would have gone much differently and when I see friends or people that are younger than me as being happy and successful, I get a bit envious. I shouldn't be, I know...it's not their fault. They knew what they wanted from life, grabbed the bull by the horns, and took charge. Part of the problem for me was, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I went with the flow and made some bad choices. When it was my turn to grab the horns, I got knocked to the ground.  I admit that I am on the right track now in most areas and getting back up has been a very slow going process, but it happens a little more each day.

In two more years I plan to start a new career that will take me the rest of the way in my life, I have wonderful hobbies to fill my time with, hobbies that I would love to make more than hobbies someday. I have some incredible friends that love and support me. I am so greatful for that and they all know who they are. The only thing missing is that special someone to share it all with. I am missing that special someone that sees all of me and still wants to be with me. That special someone has to be out there that loves both the good and the bad parts of me....but I am so tired of looking, tired of searching. A friend of mine told me it was when you stop searching that it happens...well that hasn't happened either. I am great at helping my friends meet their significants....when is it my turn? Or am I being selfish?

So am I suppose to be content with being alone? And how in the hell do you find your other half in a world that is so big? Or even worse, what if you found that special someone once, but due to things outside your control, the two of you were no longer together? Are you suppose to settle for mediocre at that point?  I guess I don't know the etiquette for things like this....

I am sorry that I have gone off on so many tangents, but all of this has been bubbling up inside for awhile and I needed to let it out.Thanks for letting me vent.

I remain, as always,

Yours
P.S. The two pics I am posting tonight are grouped in my favorites...enjoy.

Happily Ever After....

I cannot even begin to describe the wondrous feelings I am having for an inanimate object.... I have my new camera! I believe that I may actually be in lust with my new found friend.

The quality is so incredibly amazing! I only got to play with it for a few minutes, but later on after I get caught up on schoolwork (yeah right, I know myself better..lol.) I will get a chance to become more intimately acquainted with it....

Hopefully new pics will be forthcoming soon, until then you will have to be content with this....

Have a great night! Muah!!!

Hooray!!!

Today is the day I took a leap. I bought my first DSLR camera today and I am very excited. I chose the Canon Rebel T1i 15.1 MP CMOS. I am looking forward to learning all the wonderful features and benefits of using a DSLR. It's sad to say that thus far, I have been using point and shoots. While I have taken some amazing shots lately, it just isn't the same as the quality I know that can be achieved.

So folks, my camera will arrive on Thursday, along with a lens so that I will be able to play. An additional lens and some filters will be a few days behind in shipping.

Hopefully, you will see a wonderful progression in the quality of photos and digital art that I am able to produce.

Here are a couple of my favorite photos that I have taken to tide us all over until I have a chance to post more.

Ahhhh...Back to the daily grind

Tomorrow officially starts my first day back to school. For those of you that don't know, I transferred to Mercy College of Northwest Ohio after Owens Community College lost accreditation in the RN program. It messed up my plans of saving money on my education. Owens has a great program and I had planned to transfer to Mercy and continue on to earn my bachelor's degree. After everything that happened, there are dozens of stories floating around so I just decided it would be better to attend Mercy as soon as possible.

This semester is not going to be fun. I am taking Statistics, Microbiology, Medical Ethics  (from the catholic perspective since Mercy is a catholic college), and Sociological Perspectives on Peace. The last class irritates me. It has absolutely nothing to do with my major, but I have to take a soc class in the 300 and 400's. This was the only one being offered at the time. I feel like I am wasting about a grand on this class alone this semester. Needless to say, I am a bit worried about the rest of my college fate and how many more ridiculous classes I will have to take. Especially since this isn't the first time it has happened.

On to a much more pleasing topic:

I opened up a shop on Etsy today and will be attempting to sell my photography and digital creations. I won't post anything until after the gallery show opening next month, but things are moving along. I am saving up money to get the camera that I want and may have some opportunities to enter some other exhibits coming up in the coming months. I am very excited about it all.

Anyway, here is another creation that I like to call "A City In Ruins". Enjoy and have a great week.

Yesterday's Creation

This is something I did while I was at work yesterday passing the time. I hope you enjoy!

By the way, if you are in the Toledo area, stop out at J&J Galley on September 3rd. I will have a couple pieces on display there. I am very excited about it.

http://www.jandjgallery.net/

or like them on Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Toledo-OH/JJ-Studio-and-Gallery/136296966383217?ref=ts&__a=8&ajaxpipe=1

Diversity Contest

This past semester...Spring 2010, there was a contest that was campus wide. It was a contest involving about six or seven different quotations from famous people that have influenced history. The rules of the contest were to describe how the quotation made you feel. Submissions were accepted via video, skit, dance, song, essay, etc. I initially entered the contest for extra credit in my Cultural Diversity class. The quotation that I chose to reflect on was by Maya Angelou. Out of all the people that participated, I took second place. Here is the essay that I wrote. Enjoy.


April 3, 2010
Just Like In the Movies

With each passing day, the sun rises and sets like the rhythmic inhale and exhale of a breath. With each passing month, the seasons come and go like the ebb and flow of the tide. With each passing year, memories begin to fade like an old, tattered picture until I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about on that fateful day. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” The words she wrote were as true then as they are today. It has happened to all of us at one time or another. It happened to me.

I had known him since we were children and even had a silly, school-girl crush on him when I was young, but we had lost touch over the years. He had been married and divorced. I always heard snippets of information through the grapevine because our families were good friends. I had been divorced myself for a few months when we met again by chance. Several years later, I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about, but I remember the way he made me feel. I remember when he hugged me, it felt like a jolt of electricity had jumped from his body to mine. There was something about him that made the butterflies in my stomach dance around, and my heart beat faster. I felt like that young girl all over again. For the first time in almost a decade, I felt alive again.

In the grand scheme of things, we were destined to meet again when we did. He helped me to realize that there was a world out there and that I had been letting it slip away. I was secluded in a shell of loneliness and hurt from my failed marriage. I had built a wall around myself to keep people away. I didn’t want to ever feel that pain again. He opened my eyes and ears to the beauty that life has to offer each and every day and I felt truly loved.

Since that day, a few years ago, we have gone our separate ways. I cannot guarantee that I will ever feel that way about someone else but I am open to the possibility. Now, as I sit here thinking back, I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about that fateful day, but I will always remember the way he made me feel.

Observations of a Metropark

For anyone that lives, works, or even visits the Toledo area. I highly recommend one of our many Metroparks. For my first semester I took a Composition class and was asked to write about a place from memory that had a great impact in my life or somehow influenced me. I of course, could think of no better place to write about. Part of this Essay was published in the 2009 Spring/Summer edition of the Metropark Magazine. I was very excited. It is titled, "Observations of a Metropark".

Since August of 1934, Pearson Park has served the community as a place where people can get together and take a step back from everyday life. Whether someone yearns to ride the trails by bicycle; craves a hamburger cooked fresh from the grill at a family reunion; or takes the kids to the playground so they can laugh, play, and do the things that kids will do, this place has it all. However; Pearson Park is not only a landmark of social interaction within the community, a place of recreation, or even relaxation. It is a place where all of these things converge and become a place that is as close to a spiritual experience as I have ever had.


As a child, my parents used to take me to the park and we would cook out with the other neighbors, or sometimes other family members. I can still remember the sweet scent of the summer flowers that filled the air like a cloud or the way the fresh cut grass permeated our nostrils. We were care-free and would pretend that we were heroes and heroines like we watched on our favorite cartoons. Soon after, the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers would signal that it was time for dinner. Along with the various playgrounds and picnic areas that were scattered through the park, there was a cottage that could be rented as well. Once a year all of our family would get together for a reunion. The adults would cook, reminisce of days gone by, and play euchre. Meanwhile, us kids would run around and find places we could play hide and seek; discover different kinds of bugs and lizards to catch; and imagine we were fairy's, wood nymph's, and sprites. Time seemed to stand still when we were there. It was a magical time. Pearson Park is a great place for families and friends to get together.

It is more than just a gathering place for people though. Recreational activities abound. Some of the activities include paddle boating, fishing, nature-watching, playgrounds, tennis courts, trails for bicycling or walking, and sledding in the winter. One year our science class took a field trip there to watch some of the animals we were leaning about. The various birds of our area, the squirrels, and rabbits were very entertaining. For the nature-watchers there is a small building that was made just so you can sit down and watch them interact through a window. The area just outside is filled with various feeders and to watch the animals interact together is enjoyable and relaxing. In the winter time, the building is heated so you can come in from the cold and enjoy watching nature. I also recall during many winters having to take turns to sled down the giant hill after a big snowfall. Nothing beat the look of the snow when it first fell. It glistened in the sun like thousands of twinkling lights. Snowball fights were a normal occurrence back in those days and making snow angels topped out priority list as well. My junior year of high school, a group of us decided to have our pictures taken there before prom. Around the main pond is a wooded deck that seems to go on and .. we had some photos taken, some of the guys had found a bit of fishing line with a hook still in it and decided that they wanted to try and catch a fish. They all took turns dangling the line in the water trying to entice a fish to nibble, but no one caught anything that day. How many people can say they have seen guys in tuxedos try and fish in a pond with a makeshift line and pole? As the remainder of my school days began to wind down and come to an end, I found myself at the park more and more frequently.

The trails at Pearson Park seem to go on and on. There is a bike trail and there is a walking trail and at various points throughout they cross paths. A person could definitely make a journey seem endless by continuing to switch paths. The closer it came to graduation, the more time I spent walking along the trails. The time that I spent at the park seemed almost therapeutic to me. It didn't seem to matter what was going on in my life, or what huge dilemma I was trying to solve. All my troubles and fears seemed to melt like butter when I was there. I felt that when I had something specific that I was trying to work out or rationalize, I found the answers there. As I would wander, I would discover older, more unkempt trails that seemed hidden from sight and almost seemed to beckon me to walk down them. I remember the poem by Robert Frost and would journey down the long forgotten path. The farther I got away from the well travelled path, the closer I got to the heart of what this place was all about. It was there that I found not only the solitude I craved, but nature was all around and I was there in the center of it all. It was a place where chipmunks scampered along the ground looking for food, and spiders spun intricate webs without being afraid of destruction. Fallen trees served as homes for many of these animals, or just as a place to quietly sit and observe them while I pondered some of the deeper questions that most high school seniors have regarding the many choices available after graduation. I would explore and seek out new places where I know that I was definitely alone with nothing more than the thoughts running around my head. I found several places that soon became a favored spot for solitude. One was an old bridge by a bubbling brook. I would sit there for hours and feel completely at peace. The sound of the running stream had a calming effect and I enjoyed watching the animals come to get a drink. This place is teeming with life that sometimes gets overlooked with all the hustle and bustle of everyday life. But, in this place, my very own Teribithia I could slow down and see the interactions between the animals. I listened to the sounds of the birds singing to one another. I heard the sway of the leaves in the trees during a gentle breeze. It was as close to a spiritual experience as I have ever had. I felt like right at that moment God (or some version of a supreme being) could hear my thoughts and prayers whether I communicated them out loud or not. The trees, the grass, the animals were all together in perfect harmony. It was, and still is to me, tranquility at its finest.

Looking back on the observations I have made, I can see some human qualities and emotions in my sanctuary. On a windy day, for example, when the trees are swaying in the breeze and the leaves are falling all around it is as if someone is saying, "Go away and come back another day". When it rains and the sky looks gloomy there is an unmistakable feeling of sadness. It is almost as if the park itself is weeping for something I have yet to discover. When you are there in the early morning and all the deer have come out of their hideaways to feed, it is as if they know they are protected and are not intimidated by the presence of people. They will continue to frolic and feed and when they do look at you it is as if to say, "I know you can't hurt me here, so I will tolerate you."

Pearson Park has a wide assortment of activities for all ages. It is not just a place for social interactions, recreation, or even relaxation. Unfortunately, even after reading this, some will still only see the park as a playground, a bike trail, or a place to go every year for a family reunion. To me though, it will remain a place where you can step back into the past and rediscover things you have forgotten about life and even yourself. If more people could slow down from their busy lives and take the time to really look around them, then maybe they could see the same wonderful things that I see. The metropark is a truly spiritual place that will remain a value to the community.

The Faux Pas of Dating

This is actually a work in progress that began on Facebook. I hope you all enjoy.

While I may have been away from the dating scene for entirely too many years, there are still a few common sense do's and don't's that one should never commit on a first encounter...or even a second or third...if you are lucky enough to get that far. This is a list of the things that I have learned along the way so far and I will update it from time to time.....


1. Never ask the person to move in with you telling them that they can pay rent in sexual favors. This will never end well. If you do this, I guarantee you will be considered a candidate for bedlam and your date will quickly scan the room for the nearest exit and sneak out at the first possible moment.

2. Never tell someone that you love them after maybe an hour of knowing them. Seriously, we both know that is a fallacy and all you are trying to do is get laid so you can move on to the next "victim".

3. Don't show your date text messages that you are receiving from other potential dating material. This one is a no brainier, but I still feel a need to break it down. No matter how attractive you are, funny, or whatever, your date wants to feel special. Making him/her feel like they are just another pencil in your planner is not a great way to be endearing and get another date.

4. If you are a guy(and this applies to women too...), do NOT sit there and discuss the various sexual positions you want to try with the girl(guy) that just walked by. While once again, this should be common sense, it has happened on enough occasions that it has become necessary to break it down into the ridiculously stupid.....you are NOT going to win your dates' affection, and while I understand it is human nature to people watch and to have sexual fantasies...keep them where they belong instead of blurting them out loud.

5. Never offer to a pay your date money to call of work to attend an event with you, especially on the first date. Not only is this absolutely screaming "desperate" and/or "sociopath", refer back to #1(It was the same guy).

6. Never tell someone that you are interested in them and would like to see more of them and an hour or two after your "date" send an email intended for another person of the opposite sex to the original person you went on the date with. I will guarantee, this will get you nowhere in life and simply make you look like the player you are. If you are going to be a player (more power to you), know the rules of the game and how to make the game work for you.

7. If you don't feel chemistry for someone you never will. It doesn't develop over time...and you only end up hurting the other person by trying to "fake" it.

8. Yes...I drive a piece of shit car. I am well aware that it was made in the early 1990's. I don't need to be reminded of that fact. When I want to get a new car, believe me, I will. Until that time, leave me the hell alone about it. *Since the time this was originally written, I have gotten a new car, so kiss my ass!*

9. Yes, I am going to school, and work a full time job. I still make time for my friends. I am very happy to. Sometimes my plans are last minute as time becomes available. But stop asking me to get together when it is obvious I am unavailable. It makes me feel bad for having to tell you no, I'm sorry.....I can't.

10. If you are married, you are married...there is no way around that fact. Even if you are not living together, you are married. I will not sleep with you. I can offer nothing further than friendship. It is a line I will not cross....so don't ask me.

12. Please don't tell me that you, "just never had time to tell me something" when we have been talking for a lengthy period of time and even gone out a couple times. If I can find the time to tell you about my life, certainly there is plenty of time for reciprocation.

13. A crucial lesson very recently leaned....never go out with anyone freshly divorced or otherwise separated. It won't work out...there are still underlying issues, and the chances of getting back with the ex, shockingly high. Though, I do have to say...I don't get it. They are your ex for a reason. Take a hint, if it wasn't good enought the first time around, it isn't going to be any better the second time around. A leopard can't change it's spots to stripes.

14. Don't take dating advice from someone that has been married for more than 5 years. They mean well and are only trying to help, but to be honest, they have been out of the dating scene for a long time and may not have the slightest clue on the best dating strategies....sometimes it is best just to nod your head and agree, lest they get you into trouble.

15. Well this is a new one...just when you think that you have seen it all. I know that men and women are very different (for more reasons than just anatomy), but there are some things that when said, should mean the same thing. I'll get to the point before I confuse you (and myself, which isn't hard to do). When he says, "We can go out to see a movie" (quoted verbatim from the txt message I got from him), one would assume he means go to a movie theater to see a movie. It is a natural assumption (you know what happens when you assume something though right? Wait for it....here it comes). What he really meant was, "Hey, lets cruise around in my Explorer and watch a movie on my dvd player that I had installed in my truck". This was of course after he took the lesbian porn out. I'm sorry, but that has got to be the most lame attempt at a "date" I have had the misfortune of coming across. Should I give up on trying to meet a decent guy? Hmmmmm, it's a tough choice....If I did, I wouldn't have all these terrible horror stories to tell you about.

16. I've been meaning to add this one for a couple of months, but as usual...I kept forgetting. It's worth a chuckle though... Never ask a girl out and then while on the date bring another woman over to the table and start making out with her. It's very bad manners and is a guarantee that there will not be a date #2 (unless of course she was actually cute and you were planning to share...lmao!).

17. Here's a goodie that just happened a couple weeks ago without going into specific details. Don't text me after 6 months of not speaking to me to ask me if I hate you for what you did the last time we were together. Here's a clue: If I have to ask you who the hell you are, odds are I want nothing to do with you. You fucked up and thank you for apologizing a thousand times...but really. The worst part is, he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to hook up after all the apologies. When I told him no, he started slinging insults. That is definitely not a way to get on my good side and all you are going to get is a well deserved verbal backlash from my bad side.

Honesty has always gotten people more places than dishonesty and most of the time the truth is far more humorous than what a person will come up with.

I jumped back in the dating pool after my divorce in 2007. Sometimes I feel like I jumped head first in the shallow end and may have hit my head....but then I pick myself up and realize...holy shit...that hurt...and I pick myself back up and continue wading around. As I continue down the dating path, I will continuously post faux pas as I come across them. Until I meet my knight in shining armor (or tarnished armor at this point) enjoy the ride with me. Hopefully, some of my experiences can help you spot a loser before it's too late.

FYI - I completely deleted #11. After re-reading it, I realized that no one was going to understand that one and I wasn't going to go into any further details on it, and no I didn't feel like re-numbering every entry after that, so there will not be a #11... Thank you.

Life Revisited

First I am going to let you all know that this post started on MySpace. I am going to slowly transfer all of my oldest blogs and notes from other networking sites, into one, easy to swallow, blog page. I hope you all enjoy. Please also remember, that some of this was written a long time ago..... and anything that I put inside  * * are present day comments.


Saturday, January 13, 2007

Just getting this off my chest......

I always believed in love......I thought the man that I married almost a decade ago was my sould mate. I made sacrifice after sacrifice so that he could persue his career and be happy. I wish I could say all of that was true. The truth is, I was happy trying to make him happy.
I believed in forever. I never intended to fall into the 50% of marriages cliche. I tried very hard to make our marriage work and always believed the vows that I took.

I also believed that my husband felt the same way. How wrong I was. How can you love someone and not be IN love with them? Family is different and you love them no matter what. But the love a person shares with their "soul mate".......it is suppose to be the stuff dreams are made of. Poetry and songs were created.......better yet, wars were fought for it.

When I first found out my marriage was nothing but a lie, I was devistated. Looking back, I know that all the signs were there. I think I chose to ignore them thinking that they would just go away. I kept it hidden to everyone how unhappy I was inside. I thought that if I let him do what he wanted, it would make him happy and in turn we would be able to get back to where we once were. I would have my "Happily Ever After".

Unfortunately, I was wrong and in a matter of minutes everything I thought I knew was shattered and forever changed.

I was just making a photo cd of my chicago pictures for some co-workers.....and I found pictures of.....well.....they were risque to say the least. There were some in "our" house but I wasn't the woman in them. It wasn't my pleasure or passion that was on display. There were some of "females" I knew from years past. Females that I never would have thought would have such loose morals...females that I talked to....that knew he was married and obviously didn't care.

Those "whores" and I use that term nicely.....weren't the ones that got hurt or had their hearts ripped from their still beating chests. They had nothing to loose. What lasted for probably 30 - 60 minutes a few times a week or month or how ever long he saw them for, cost me ten years. But as much as it hurt, it opened my eyes.

It took me awhile before I came to my senses. I would sit around crying thinking that I had done something wrong and searching for support groups. The worst thing, was having people that have never been through it tell me that I will be ok......No offense, I know that everyone wanted to help, but it just didn't. I joined a couple of support groups and read some of their stories and realized that a lot of other people have gone through it and they have survived........ Family and friends that knew what I was going through was the greatest help of all.

One glorious day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. To this day, I can't explain it, but I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't the one with a problem. I centered my life around someone that would never feel about me, the way that I felt about him. The sacrifices I had made were in vain. I gave up my goals and dreams for someone elses happiness. We had grown too far apart. That brought about a whole knew level of sadness for awhile. I felt like (and still do on some level) that I had wasted almost a decade of my life. Everything I had and put off, I shouldn't have.

Finally I reached the ultimate level, when I think of him, I don't feel the anger of betrayal, or the sadness of years wasted. I feel nothing. Absolutely, gloriously, nothing but numb. I just don't feel anything. I can say that I am not ready to jump in and do it all over again. I may never feel ready for that. But I am not going to let life pass me by anymore.

I think the first real moment that it hit me was when I opened the door to my new apartment. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't even realize it was there. Now, I come and go as I please, talk to whoever I please and do whatever I please. It is a freedom that I didn't even know I had given up. It is hard to put into words what that feeling of relief was like.

I wish I could say I will never make the same mistakes again.....look at how many times history has repeated itself. I can say that I have learned a lot about life and myself in the last few months and in a strange way am a better person for it. Will I make mistakes? Sure, we all do. We are human and to err is human. Will I ever "fall in love" with someone again? Who knows anything is possible. Will I ever find the other half of my soul that will make it complete? I don't know that either. I'm not even looking. Right now, I have years of living each day to the fullest and I don't even want to think about it.



Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The countdown........

So the countdown has been on for a little while....this is just the first time I am posting a blog about it.

9 days until my freedom......In nine short days, I will be divorced and at a new stage in my life.

The past few months have been a test and I hope that I passed. It was a test to prove to myself that I am a strong independent person.

For several years, I stayed in a relationship that I shouldn't have because I didn't think I could survive....not physically...that was never the question. I wasn't sure if I could mentally handle a breakup.

I am proud to say that I have been happier in the last few months than I have been for more years than I can count. (Even through an extreme case of work sabatoge).

There are a few areas in my life that I still want to change, and a few mistakes that I wish I had a time machine to go back and fix, but all I can do is take things one day at a time.

Will I ever be the same? Absolutely not. Things that happened in my past have made me the person I am today. Do I still ponder over all the "what if's" in my life? Absolutely. I always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in the Army and what would have happened if I had not gotten married so young, but the difference between when I use to think about all the "what if's" in my life then and now is that I don't let them rule me. I use to just think and think about the "what if's" like I could somehow change then if I thought about it hard enough. Now I know that no matter how hard I want things to be different, they never will, so adapt and overcome.

As I stated before, I am a much happier person for it.

Anyway, nine days to the next evolution of my life......hopefully you'll be along for the ride.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Pondering the mysteries of life.....

They say that everything happens for a reason and that the world works in mysterious ways.

After living the last few years of my marriage in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from, I never thought it was true.

For quite some time, even before my divorce, I was in complete man-hating mode...ok so not completely hating, but definitely not man-friendly.

After years of marital rejection, men only had one thing that was even useful to me. For the purpose of good clean taste ( those of you that know me, know good, clean, fun is out of character), I will refrain from saying what the one thing was.....

Anyway, I digress. I reverted back to the party girl and was livin' it up......dates, one night stands, drinking, and hanging with my friends (that reminds me, if they are reading this...its time to get together again soon...). I was by no means looking for anything serious or long-term, or anyhting. I just wanted to have fun. I got married too young and missed out on a lot of life. I had a lot of "catching up" to do.

Earlier this month, something happened and changed everything. It was the stuff that only happens in the movies. When you can look across the room at someone and feel like you were just hit by a bolt of lightning. That is the only way I can think of to describe what I felt when I saw an old frind for the first time in almost a decade.

I always had a little crush on him since we were in high school. By the way, our parents have been friends since grade school and they moved to another state when we were very young. Needless to say, we have only seen each other every few years or so, but when I was married I never really got the chance to see him.

Anyway, I saw him for the first time in a long time and all I can say is it was like magic. The most amazing thing was he felt the same (and in fact told me how he felt before I had even said a word, so I know it wasn't a corny line to get laid).

We have been seeing each other ever since, and he is so amazing. He is caring, sweet, funny, smart, and the other stuff.....WOW! Out of this world...Absolutely amazing. Definitely no complaints here. But the best part, when I am with him, all the things that are going wrong in my life or have gone wrong in my life are but a distant memory.

I can't stop smiling, all the time, and I can't remember the last time I was ever this happy.

More news to follow, so stay tuned..........................

*Ok...After reading this.... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. But only because I know what happens in the end.*


Monday, July 09, 2007

Life goes on....


*Warning: Parts of this blog ahve unfortunately been edited due to content.*

Looking at the date of my last blog, I realized I haven't written anything new in awhile.

I wish I could just claim it was because I haven't had time, but that would only partially be true. From May until the end of June that would have been an acurate statement. Working 10-15 hours a day six (most of the time seven) days a week. It was killing me. I have done that to myself for the past few years. Now, I am done and I am moving on.

In the beginning, working that many hours wasn't too bad. I didn't want to go home. Reality sucked. I was in an unhappy relationship, which, at the time I didn't want to admit becaue I wanted to try and fix it. I was a firm believer in the vows I spoke "Til' death do us part". Working was my way of escaping from the unhappiness. At the time, I had more fun at work than I did at home.

Once my ex and I decided to get a divorce, I continued working, it helped me through the emotional upheaval I was going through. That and a lot of alcohol to numb myself for as long as possible (or until I sobered up).

Somewhere, through all of that, I lost myself. I think that the people that I work with just started to take advantage of my workaholic nature (so let's be honest.....they weren't just starting to take advantage of me....that's been going on for years but it escalated to a whole new level). It took a very special person to help me see that there was so much more to life than work.


*Omitted Section*

On that fateful Sunday my life changed. Saturday night, I was actually crying. I didn't want to come back home. During the three days we were together, I realized I was working myself to death for absolutely nothing. I couldn't go back after that. That morning I got to the airport to find that my flight was cancelled. I am still not sure why, but many flights were cancelled that day. I was stranded for the day and wouldn't be able to fly out until at least the next evening. While standing in line for two hours waiting to book another flight it hit me. This was my wake up call. It was my chance to change my circumstances. I already mentioned that I had been looking for anew job, but lest be honest.....witht the hours that I was working it was going to be impossible to actually follow through with any kind of leads. I believe in fate and that my flight was cancelled for a reason. I ended up staying in Texas for another week and it was wonderful.

I knew that I had to do something different with my life. In a couple of months, I am going to be thirty. Yes, some people will read this and say.....Wait until you get older. You are too young. Others that read this will say, oh my gosh, you are so OLD. Either way, I will be thirty soon and feel like I haven't accomplished anything with my life. Yes, I fell in love with a wonderful man that will treat me like a princess until the day I die and I thank the Lord everyday that he came back into my life, but as far as a career, so many of my aquaintances from school are very successful and have thier lives all mapped out. Here I am, got good grades in school, and have nothing to show for it thanks to some stupid choices I made when I was younger.

Right now I feel like a new person. Life isn't passing me by anymore. It is a relief to know that I have enough time during the day to see all of my family and friends again. My cats are happy. I am not just a person that comes in and puts food in thier dish twice a day and cleans out there box ever few days. I actually get to spend some time with them.

Am I scared? Hell yes! Not having a job right now scares me more than I care to admit, but I am very happy.

Well, the job search continues........

Friday, October 05, 2007

Little Things That Piss Me Off!!!!!

Okay, so we have all been there or done that.....I have compiled a list of the smaller things in life that should be inconsequential, but manage to render us speechless. They are not in any particular order and please feel free to add some of your own....

1. Leaving just a few squares on a roll of toilet paper so that you don't have to change it. Seriously, you are not fooling anyone. No one in their right mind could wipe their ass with the little scrap of toilet paper and not get messy.

2. Drinking a beverage in the fridge straight from the carton. No one wants your germs. Not to mention the fact that no one knows where your mouth has been. Sloppy seconds don't belong in the bedroom or the milk jug.

3. Tossing clothes where you take them off and leaving them there. The only acceptable exception is if you are in the throes of passion. You get to your home and just starting having wild, hot sex then and there. At that point who gives a shit if your panties landed on the fern in the corner? The point is, having a contest to see who can cover more of your carpeting is something kids in high school did. Make life easier on yourself. Buy a hamper and use it.

4. Hitting the snooze button…I have to admit, I am an offender on occasion. Honestly though, what does that extra few minutes get you? When I do it, I end up more tired than if I had just rolled out of bed, and I am late for what I was getting up for in the first place. Then there is always the fact that if you are sharing your bed with someone that doesn't have to get up when you do, you will annoy the shit out of them.

5. Toll Roads. With the amount that is charged and the amount of people that drive on them, toll roads should be some of the best roads ever driven on….Instead they are always under some kind of construction or are the worst to drive on.

6. People talking on cell phones while driving. I know this topic is hugely under debate whether it should be banned and for good cause. Many people that are talking on cell phones aren't capable of multi-tasking. They are the people that can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Plus, with the age of technology ever growing, a marvelous invention has been created. It is called Bluetooth technology. It allows someone to have an earpiece for talking so both hands can once again be on the wheel where they should be.

7. Leaving the toilet seat up. There is much debate between the sexes on this one. Some men feel that the toilet seat should be left up because it is less work. To them, they have to lift the seat up, handle business, and then put the seat back down. If the seat were already up, they could just handle business and be done with it; unless they need to…..you get the picture. Make the girl do all the work of putting the seat down and lifting it back up. As always, make the girl do all the work. Typical. For a girl, it is just plain disgusting to walk in a bathroom and find the toilet seat was left up. Especially, if the guy dribbles on the sides. Not to mention, there are some girls that get up to go in the middle of the night, don't turn the light on because they know where the toilet is and where the paper is and are capable of going in the dark, and the next thing you know your ass is falling in the toilet because someone left the seat up…….just plain disgusting. Take the extra effort to put the damn seat down! Trust me, your girlfriend will thank you for it.

These are just a few of what I am sure will be continued in later blogs. As I mentioned earlier, feel free to add your own to the list.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

Just some rantings and ravings from a crazy person

So all day I have been pondering this age old question…..

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never have loved before? After thinking about it for a long while today, I have decided that the person to coin that phrase had never been in love at all.

How can someone say that never loving someone doesn't hurt as much as loving someone and losing them? To me it is inconceivable.

If you have never been in love, you will never have to know what pain is truly involved. To never have to feel like your heart has been ripped out still beating from your chest, and trampled underfoot. I envy you immensely.

Yeah, I know everyone says that the pain will go away………I even believed it myself last year. In time you will find someone…..blah blah blah……BULLSHIT!

All you are doing is setting yourself up for an even bigger hurt the next time. You tell yourself, I won't make the same mistakes…..and maybe you won't. Instead you make even bigger ones, more painful ones.

People even have the nerve to say that if you want something you have to fight for it.

Obviously, that doesn't work well either. You can't fight for the both of you. You can't force someone to be with you that obviously don't want to. It takes two to tango and two to make a relationship work.

Then there are the people that say if you love someone let them go…..if it is meant to be it will be.

That is the biggest line of shit I have heard in awhile. If it is meant to be you shouldn't have to leave them in the first place.

When you love someone, you love them. Pure and simple. You love all of them. The good and the bad. Sometimes relationships are work. Okay, they are always work. But, when you look into the eyes of the person you love and all the negativity you had prior to that moment simply disappears, and the only thing that you can think is how you don't want that moment to end…………do everything you can to cherish it. Preserve it. Hold it tight and never let go. No matter the odds against you, no matter what small sacrifices you may have to make once in awhile, do everything humanly possible to never let it go……

But then again, what the hell do I know? I'm the person that wishes I had never been in love. What do I know about relationships? I know this………I'm done with them for a long, long, while. I don't ever want to feel this pain again. Déjà vu. I said the same thing just over a year ago. And this time, I made bigger mistakes and it hurt a hundred times more………

So that's all for now. I'm off to the bar to drink myself into beautiful oblivion so that I can at least feel numb for a little while.
*Remember when I told you I threw up in my mouth just a bit? This is how that relationship ended. Not all fairy tales and unicorns.*

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


WTF Peeps?!

A long while back I posted a blog about little things that piss me off........Here is an addition to that posting.

Why do people fel it is necessary to talk on a cell phone every second of the day. It is unbelievable that in this day and age people can't go a few hours wihout it.

The worst part......they are RUDE about it. They haven't the first clue when it comes to etiquette. I hear cell phones ringing when I go to the movies, out to dinner, in the check out line at a store etc.... You get the picture. *and with the price of movies today, that's a bunch of crap*

I work in customer service and it completely aggrivates me when someone walks up to my counter talking on their phone. HELLO!!!!! You came to the counter because you need something, you are holding up other people from getting help and to top it all off you have the audacity to get upset at me for interrupting you to find out what the hell you wanted. Well.....SCREW YOU! Get off your fucking high horse, tell them you will call them back or get the fuck away from the counter until you are ready to be civil.

I know I mentioned this one before......people driving while talking on the phone. Another huge problem in this day and age. The cell phone companies have made the perfect invention for all of you that like to run other people off the road because you are to busy talking on your phone to pay attention to what you are doing. It is called bluetooth...... Invest in it and make our roadways a safer place.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Adrift On The Waves Of Life

Well Ladies and Gents.....I am now a college freshman at **College. I begin classes this fall. But, I am not hear tonight to talk about that...........

Even though I should feel overjoyed at the fact that I am trying to better my life and climb out from the huge, gaping hole that my life has become, I still can't feel any joy.

I don't really know what I feel besides empty.

This is one of my rare moments of sobriety these days that leaves me with too much time to think as I lay in bed trying to find the answers.

For a long time, I simply felt like a failure. I couldn't keep my marriage together and after that fell apart I devoted myself to working in a never-ending job that made me miserable. I left the job...... so technically, anyone could say I was a failure there. I met someone that was truly wonderful. That, if you haven't read a previous blog, fell apart. But he isn't the reason that I feel the way I do. I have felt this way for quite some time now. He just helped me to forget for a time that inside I was crying out.

What happened to me? Where did I go so wrong? I feel like I have not done one successful thing in my entire life.

Right now I just want to know what my place in the whole scheme of things is. What is my path? How will I know it when I come to the crossroads? All my life I took the wrong path and have paid heavy prices for those choices.

Now, as I am writing this blog, I just feel empty. I feel like I am all alone on a small ship, lost at sea. Waves churn and crash all around me but I can't find the shore anywhere. I have been feeling this way for a long time now and I don't know how to get back.

I use to think I was a good person. If that is true, then what is wrong with me? All I want is to be happy. I just don't know what happy is anymore or how to find it.

Sure, I have moments, brief glimpses into what a semi-normal life could be. But after awhile, when I am all alone, I think to myself..............

What if this is as good as its going to get?

"Life's A Bitch, And Then You Die."

*I have since transferred to a different school and have just a couple more years to go...fingers crossed.*

*And bye the way, I would be a terrible daughter and Senior Sales and Marketing Rep., if I didn't throw in a shameless plug about our business venture. Check out the website and become a fan on Facebook. *


Sunday, August 03, 2008


We are open fo business!!!!

It is official!

Natural Bathtime Essentials ® is now open for business.

All natural soaps, bath salts, fizzes, candles and more!

Come visit our website………

http://www.naturalbathtimeessentials.com/

We have your bath time needs.


*That is all the past blogs from MySpace. I am going to do a separate posting for the Facebook notes (mostly, so that I have more than one blog under my belt...lol).*