The story of a mental meltdown... May this help other people preparing for NCLEX examination

Where to begin...

I promised to start blogging more and since my last one, I have not written anything. I know, lame. However, between graduation and last Thursday I was preparing myself to take the NCLEX exam so that I could be licensed as a nurse.

See below...

First, I would like to say... What the FUCK?!? Really!

There is honestly no amount of studying that can prepare a person to take that exam...so stop! For those of you that are unfamiliar with this exam let me explain.

You register to take this exam at the testing center of your choice. Years ago, Columbus was one of the only testing centers for people registering to be licensed in Ohio. Today, there are many choices including out-of-state, but the only one that is close is in Maumee (Ann Arbor, being the next closest...GO BLUE, but I digress).

On the day that you take your exam, you drive to the testing center you chose (by the way, your anxiety level may be in overdrive because you spent the last few years of your life preparing to have to take this exam; and, at $200 an exam you don't want to retake it) and walk into the office. A friendly person sits at a desk and gives you a number to confirm your appointment if you aren't the first person there. When it is your turn, you must present your id, turn in your cellular (or any electronic) device, place each hand on a machine that reads the veins in your hand and have your photo taken. Then you place all of your belongings in a locker. Once you have done that, another friendly person will take you into the security area where you can see everyone taking their exams both physically and on camera. The rules are explained to you in great detail and you are told that you are video taped and there is also audio so please don't read the questions out loud or you will be dismissed. Many other rules are explained, but again, if you are like me your anxiety will drown out almost everything that was said because you just want to be done with the exam. I remember hearing something about ear plugs...noise cancelling headphones...and headphones for audio questions.

You are given a sheet of laminated paper and a dry erase marker, but if you write anything on it before you begin the exam you will be dismissed. You are required to place your hand on the palm scanner again and they compare your id to the photo that was taken and ask you to verify that you are you... Honestly, I don't know how I wouldn't be me. I only walked about six feet from the front desk to the security room (directly around the corner)....It must have been done before somehow though..

Then you are walked into the actual testing area and assigned a computer. You are logged in and once again asked to verify you are you (by the same person...I swear I am still me, can we get on with this)...

You sit down, and go through the tutorial...

The NCLEX exam uses computer adaptive testing which means, based on how you answer the previous question, the computer determines your level of competency and will either continue to give you increasingly harder questions until you fuck up or will continue to give you easier questions until you can get back on track and prove you are competent. You will answer no less than 75 questions but no more than 265. You must be able to prove that you are competent enough to earn the title of Registered Nurse. You have 6 hours to take the exam and breaks are scheduled at two hours and at three and a half hours. You can also take an unscheduled break at anytime. Breaks count against your time and once you submit an answer you cannot go back and change it. Oh yeah...one more thing...there are also 15 questions that are considered experimental questions. Those 15 questions are questions that may or may not be added to the question bank the next time the NCLEX is updated. Those questions don't count against you, but they also do not count for you either.

From the very first question I felt unprepared to take the exam. The questions were brutal...and anytime I got an easier question I felt defeated...I was like, wait a sec...this is just a knowledge based question, I must be doing horrible to get a knowledge based question...I was mentally beating myself up. After about an hour an a half I was ready to take a break (I had a cup of coffee that morning and...well...it's a diuretic). I saw that I was about an hour and a half in and decided to wait because there was a scheduled break coming up in half an hour...then I saw what question I was on....

Oh shit...I was panicking. I was close to the 75 mark... I kept answering questions and answering questions....Then it happened. I was at 75... I hit the submit and I kept saying over and over in my head, "Please don't shut off, please don't shut off....I don't feel good about this...please don't shut off.

Once I hit the submit button after question 75, the screen changed...the test was over..and all I kept saying was, "No...no...no...no..no". I took the survey to finish the exam and raised my hand to be escorted from the testing area.

Back in the little security room I was once again asked to verify who I was (Ok...seriously! I haven't moved since you sat me down...you have me on camera....come, on!). And that was that.

By the time I got to my car, the tears were flowing. I truly felt like I failed the exam.   People always ask me if the exam is multiple choice and when I tell them yes it is...they are all like...oh. Well that's easy. Yeah, in the normal world. In NCLEX world it isn't really easy at all. There are questions in which every answer is correct, but one answer is MORE correct than the others. That's messed up! What the fuck?!? There were soooooo many select all that apply questions.

All I could think of was, "I should have actually studied more. I hadn't looked at the ATI book we got after graduation. It's a nice, compact, complete review of nursing....I glanced at it briefly to refresh lab values before the exam...I just answered a shit ton of NCLEX style questions before taking the exam.

I do have to give a huge shout out to KAPLAN. I did sign up for the KAPLAN review. I must say, it was amazing. I did not learn anything about content material or knowledge...but I learned about the world in which all NCLEX exam questions come from. See, NCLEX land is a utopia... You have all the staff you need, you have all the time in the world to take care of one patient and you have any order you need (unless the question is specifically addressing those issues). Once you learn this, it is suppose to make answering the test questions easier...okay I'm not going to lie...it didn't make answering the questions easier, but it gave me perspective on how to eliminate the right answers and focus on the most right answer....

Back to the story though since I digressed again.....

Sitting in my car at 9:44 am, trying to calm down, tears flowing...I sent a message to my mom. It read, "I don't have a good feeling about that at all. :'( 

I drove home thinking I was about to let all of my family and friends down. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with not passing the test the first time. It happens to a lot of people. The test is hard and for many students, maybe their education didn't teach them how to answer NCLEX style questions from the get go. They may have all the knowledge in the world, but have never been trained on how to apply it. I was also thinking about how difficult the test was and how there was no amount of studying that would help me when I would have to take it again.

I finally made it home. It felt like hours had passed in the 20 minute drive home. I felt absolutely defeated. It was then that I remembered  "the trick". This trick, as explained by at least three different instructors was supposedly a foolproof way to find out immediately if you passed the exam or not. As soon as you are done taking the exam, go to the testing center website and try and re-register to take the exam again. If you pass a screen will pop up saying you are already registered for the exam and can't take it again....if you failed, it will let you re-register at that time.

I got the pop up...

As exciting as that was, my mind was racing with thoughts like, "What if this isn't real, Maybe I am the exception to the rule, blah, blah, blah"... And so it went for the next 48 hours.

After 48 hours you can pay $8 and get your unofficial speedy results. However, after talking to a fellow classmate, I discovered that if you go to the Ohio Board of Nursing website, after the 48 hours the site will be updated; and, if you have passed, you will have a license number. It made sense. Why would they issue a license number if you failed the exam?

Saturday morning, I was up before 8 am... Now then, was is 48 hours from the start time or 48 hours from the time you finished? I wasn't sure and I couldn't fall back asleep. I was like a vulture stalking a carcass on both of the websites (Well, hello anxiety! I didn't have enough of you on Thursday, why don't you come back and say howdy while I wait for my results). Each time I checked the sites, I became more and more afraid. Nothing was updating. I thought for sure I was a no go at this station. Then it happened...I was on the testing site and it said my quick results were ready. I went back to the board of nursing site...no update...no license number...I was right...I DID fail. I started to cry AGAIN!

By this time I heard my mom making a cup of coffee and knew she was awake. I was going to have to pay the money and find out for sure...That meant, I had to go out to the dining room table where my purse was so that I could get my debit card...SHIT!!! I had to compose myself. I had already been a wreck the last 48 hours, I didn't want anyone to see how much more of a wreck I had become.  It wasn't happening though...I was too scared and upset. The knots were twisted and something upset the butterflies because they were like a tornado whirling around inside me. I got to the dining room and my mom asked me how I was doing? All I could say was, "I don't know yet", before another deluge of tears came pouring out. I had to explain to her what was going on. She was calm..and told me to just go...pay the money and find out.

Through teary eyes I filled in my credit card info and paid the money. This is what I saw...

In that moment, a weigh was lifted, the tears dried, and I could breathe again. I walked back in the dining room, walked up to my mom and she said... "Well?". I gave her the biggest hug and was able to tell her that I passed. I chalked it up to being Saturday. Perhaps the people that update the board of nursing stuff aren't there on weekends (though they should be...don't they know how much anxiety people go through?) and I will check again on Monday to see if I have a license number. And then, I will find a job (You know...because jobby jobs just grow on job trees...or something like that).

I still have a hard time believing it. I passed with 75 questions in under two hours. WoW!!!!!

So, to all my friends that still need to take the test... Stop studying.... it isn't going to help. Learn HOW to take the test, and answer lots and lots of NCLEX questions. If you don't have the content by now, don't worry...Are you going to get every question right? Hell No. If you do, you aren't human...lol.

Good luck. I won't sugar coat it. It is the MOST brutal test I have ever taken and those 48 hours seem like an eternity. But...after it is over...it is such a great feeling. I was on cloud nine the rest of the day (and still am).

Have I been hiding under a rock? No, just Nursing School.

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written anything in this blog. May of 2012 was my last entry and 2011 before that. Life has a way of taking up all of your free time, if you let it. I didn't have a choice. Nursing school doesn't leave much in the way of a social life or free time. The first couple of years weren't that bad... the last couple, though.

There are many choices of study when going to college. Many careers are not that involved and students enjoy a much different life style. Constant parties every night, that sort of thing. Nursing school is VERY different.

People assume that nurses really don't do much except wipe shit covered asses and take a temperature every now and then. Those people couldn't be more wrong. Nurses need to know damn near as much as doctors, if not more. We are advocates, educators, counselors, caregivers, change agents, managers, and researchers. We break things down in layman's terms when patients don't understand all the medical jargon. We soothe and comfort patients when they are scared. We assess our patients every day, sometimes several times per shift, to ensure that our patients are on the mend. We educate patients on health promotion and disease prevention. We provide emotional support. We assist patients in making the necessary changes in their lives to accomplish their own health maintenance. We allow our patients to make their own autonomous choices regarding their care, whether we agree with their decision or not. We interpret lab values and vital signs looking for signs of impending danger. We perform many procedures at the bedside and are responsible for administering medications that keep patients alive. We need to know all about the medications that doctors prescribe, the potential side effects, and interactions that could occur with any medications the patient is already taking.

Those are just a few of the many things that a nurse will do in a given day. But I also have to give a shout out to the other members of the healthcare team: respiratory therapists; occupational and physical therapists; dieticians; nursing aides; housekeeping; and unit secretaries. Without all of these people working in tandem, the system would fall apart. Each profession is equally important.

I digress though...

The past six years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. It is about to culminate in a couple of weeks when I take my board exam. Nursing isn't a profession where you can graduate and just get a job anywhere. A student must prove that he/she has gained enough knowledge to perform our duties properly and keep people safe.

I should be studying right now, but, alas...here I am...

This was the last day that I had to wear the incredibly hideous uniform that student nurses wore. It was the final 12 hours of my 240 hour precepting experience (which can be considered interning...we do the work, we are supervised, and we don't get paid).

Here is my cap and gown...

My degree, honors cords, and nursing pin...

And the cake my parents got for the party.

It was a long journey, but I made it. I am still standing and am looking forward to the next chapter of this book. It begins once I pass my NCLEX exam, so...off I go to study for a bit before work.


Coming soon...my recent vacation.

Mercy students spend spring break serving others

Mercy students spend spring break serving others

Journal Entry 5

Journal entry 5 was fun to create. I got some paint samples from Home Depot and cut them into various shapes. The theme was overlapping shapes. I think that it was a success and I plan to do more like this but on a larger scale in the future. Here a variety of different photos to show it off....More to come soon.

Journal Entry 4

For this entry I decided to skip around a litte bit. I had some pictures of cats from a day-by-day calendar that I trimmed out and made into a woven piece. It turned out kind of cool, but I still needed to add a poem that had a metaphor in it. Here is the poem:

I like how it all turned out. I didn't use the sealant this time and opted to leave it as is with just a coat of fixatif on it. Here is the page.

Doing the weaving was fun and it was inspired by a dear friend of mine. Thanks Haithe, you are such an inspiration. I hope that your art journal is going well too.

Journal Entries 2 and 3

Well, I haven't been able to get online and blog in a few days and I have had these entries done for a bit, plus some general rantings......

I am happy to report that the Woodville Mall (which had a grand re-opening) is getting a makeover....even if it is a little at a time. I was there yesterday and they have begun ripping out the carpeting. Much of it had been so damaged over the years that it was held in place with duct tape in various places. I can't tell if they're going to fix the roof that leaks or if they will just let it go, but there are some new stores. One in particular is a shop where local artists can display and sell their work. I am excited about this. The next time I stop by, I will have to chat more with the owner to see how it works, if it is done by consignment or whatever. It was nice to see some names that I recognize including Adrianne Stinson. That gal has some talent.

Anyway, I have digressed down memory land and the Woodville Mall long enough.....Journal entry two is all about my favorite animal: The Wolf. I have loved wolves since I was a wee little girl. The wolf and its paw print were drawn on antiqued paper.

For journal entry 3 I decided to also do a bit of drawing. The entry was suppose to be an animated letter. I took two different directions on this. At first I was going to draw a cartoonish letter, but went with a floral-ish  instead. I started thinking about this entry a little more and wondered....what about a written letter to someone that seems animated. Then I remembered an essay I wrote about Pearsoon Metropark. It was perfect. It is animated and hopefully (if you can read it, the font is tiny) can imagine yourself doing some of the activities I tried to capture.

Both entries were then covered in my favorite water based sealant.

The next entry that I do is going to be overlapping shapes. I have some ideas on this one and can't wait...but I also need to find a way to cut circles in thicker paper and need to make some trips to Home Depot. I'll try and remember to update more often. Anyway....enjoy:

#2

#3

A reason, a season, or a lifetime

It really is true that everything happens for a reason. At first, you may not understand it, and you may even be angry, or upset by events that are going on.....but one day, when you look back, it will all make sense. It will be like an epiphany!!! You will feel better than you have in awhile and be better off for it. Before my divorce in 2007, a co-worker gave me a poem. I have always remembered it, though sometimes I felt that the poem was wrong. I have always tried to envision what each person in my life was there for: a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It pains me to say that not everyone has been there for a lifetime (or will be there for a lifetime: don't worry, I understand), but the ones that have only been there for a brief time, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It taught me so much. It has taken me many years to feel good about where I am in life and I still struggle everyday. If life had ended up how I expected it to all the time, I would never have met the wonderful people in my life today. Looking back, I honestly don't want to envision what my life would be like right now if I had stayed where I was, never trying to better myself or my situation. I would like to share that poem with anyone that may feel like there is no hope; that life never goes the way it is suppose to. To my friends that feel that way: Embrace those feelings. Read this poem and realize that it will get better and you will be happy again. It may take time and a lot of self-exploration/soul searching.....but it WILL happen. Then you will understand why the person who had been your biggest confidant is no longer the person you run to. Someone else has stepped up to fill those shoes. Let them, and always remember:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
~Unkown


I am grateful beyond words or expressions for all the people that are in my life. Thank you.

First Journal Entry

Today I began creating the entries for my art journal. Today's entry is about summertime events. There are so many things to do in the summer here in Toledo that I tried to incorporate as many things as I could. I included my artwork from the Toledo Botanical Garden, baseball, bbq, The OWE Festival (Old West End for out-of-towners), sunshine, Metroparks, the various county fairs, roller derby, Cedar Point, and of course, my favorite hang-out.....WoodChucks. This is how it turned out:

I added a couple flowers and coated it all with a waterbased sealant (I love Mod-Podge). I also tried an adhesive spray that I was thoroughly impressed with. The stuff is sticky-icky!!! It's called 3M 77 Super Adhesive Spray.....wow.
I can't wait for tomorrow's entry...

Summer Project

Wow, the semester has only been over for a little over a week, and I am still wired as if I was going to class....so, in an attempt to keep myself occupied and non-stagnated, I have decided to start an art journal. I have been thinking about this for several days now and I have created the journal itself.

This is the front cover. It is cardboard painted with acrylic paint, with paper label, and a waterbase sealer to hold it all in place.

This is the inside cover. It serves as a reminder of why I am undertaking this adventure. I am always looking for new ways to put creativity to use. I may not be a professional artist or anything even close, but I do it all for fun. It keeps me sane. It keeps the boredom from setting in too long. I enjoy it, and that's all that matters.

I have at least 70 random topics that will decorate the pages that are contained within the journal ranging from wall paper design to the Mona Lisa. There will be a variety of medium used as well. It is going to be an interesting hodge-podge to say the least. I will try my best to keep the entries posted on here. Tomorrow I begin my first entry.....A summer event. This will take some thought. There are so many wonderful summer events.

An Expression of Diversity Quotation Contest at Mercy College

I know that it has been quite awhile since I have written anything in my blog, school has kept me insanely busy this semester. I have felt like I don't even know if I am coming or going most of the time. Even this week, which is designated, Spring Break, I will spend most of it engrossed with schoolwork. One thing that I completed today was my entry for the Diversity Quotation Contest at Mercy College. Last year, I entered on a whim. My Cultural Diversity Professor enticed the class with extra credit. Surprisingly, I took second place in the contest and won a $50 gift certificate to the Mercy Clothing store (as well as even more extra credit for placing). I was recognized not only in the Mercy College newsletter, but at a faculty meeting as well. It was fun. This year, I entered for the same reasons, extra credit. These days, I need all I can get. The classes get harder and harder and it seems like I can never get caught up with work and school.

Here is the essay I submitted last year:

Just Like In the Movies

            With each passing day, the sun rises and sets like the rhythmic inhale and exhale of a breath. With each passing month, the seasons come and go like the ebb and flow of the tide. With each passing year, memories begin to fade like an old, tattered picture until I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about on that fateful day. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” The words she wrote were as true then as they are today. It has happened to all of us at one time or another. It happened to me.

            I had known him since we were children and even had a silly, school-girl crush on him when I was young, but we had lost touch over the years. He had been married and divorced. I always heard snippets of information through the grapevine because our families were good friends. I had been divorced myself for a few months when we met again by chance. Several years later, I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about, but I remember the way he made me feel. I remember when he hugged me, it felt like a jolt of electricity had jumped from his body to mine. There was something about him that made the butterflies in my stomach dance around, and my heart beat faster. I felt like that young girl all over again. For the first time in almost a decade, I felt alive again.         

            In the grand scheme of things, we were destined to meet again when we did. He helped me to realize that there was a world out there and that I had been letting it slip away. I was secluded in a shell of loneliness and hurt from my failed marriage. I had built a wall around myself to keep people away. I didn’t want to ever feel that pain again. He opened my eyes and ears to the beauty that life has to offer each and every day and I felt truly loved.

Since that day, a few years ago, we have gone our separate ways. I cannot guarantee that I will ever feel that way about someone else but I am open to the possibility. Now, as I sit here thinking back, I can no longer remember the color of the shirt that he wore, or the scent of his cologne, or what we talked about that fateful day, but I will always remember the way he made me feel.

Here is the essay I am submitting this year. I have to say, I was happier with the quotations there were to chose from last year. We will just have to see where this years contest goes. Wish me luck eveyone, I may need it:

Dystopia or Utopia: You Decide

The alarm clock buzzes at six in the morning, just as it has every morning since you can remember. You get out of bed, take a shower, and get dressed in your white jumpsuit. You sit down in the kitchen, staring at the plain, white walls as you drink your morning coffee. As you leave your apartment and get into your white, four door sedan, you wave to your neighbor. While you drive to the factory where you were chosen to work, you feel lost amidst a sea of white, four door sedans that are driven by people in white jumpsuits just like you.

            In this world, there is one government. One government dictates every aspect of your life. The government chooses where everyone works, lives, and even who they marry. The only color allowed, if it can even be called color, is white; white cars, white clothes, white buildings, white walls, white furniture, and white accessories. There is only one radio station. It does not play music, but speaks of the government and how great it is because it is concerned for every person’s well-being. These words are drummed into the thoughts of every person on the planet until there are no other thoughts. Television is the same; one channel devoted to messages about how much the government loves everyone. The messages play over and over, almost as if on permanent loop. At lunchtime, people are given an hour long break. Every day the workday ends at seven in the evening. This is your life, this is the norm.

            Each and every day is the same; a repeat from the day before, until you can no longer remember anything ever being different. There was a time though, locked deep in the recesses of your mind when you saw color. It was everywhere. There was music and you could choose what style you listened to. You had your choice of what you ate, and who you married. Other authors have written books about dystopias. George Orwell wrote Nineteen Eighty Four; Ray Bradbury wrote Fahrenheit 451. Books like these teach us of what life could be like if we are no longer in control of our own individuality, the things that make us different.  Dr. Adela A. Allen once said, “We should acknowledge differences; we should greet differences, until difference makes no difference anymore”. This is very true. It is our differences that make us unique. We are not some collective without the ability to form our own thoughts, but individuals that are able to make decisions and live each day to the fullest. Even differences within our own cultures make every day a new opportunity to learn something new and incorporate it into our lives. Embrace difference; if we do not, we are no better than the mindless people that are unable to make their own choices in life. We will live in a dystopia of our own making.

Presenting War and Pieces

Well, another semester has come and gone. I am very glad to say that I managed to maintain my 4.0 (not sure how I managed to get an A in my Statistics class, but I am not one to complain).

War and Pieces turned out absolutely fabulous. It is difficult to accurately get a picture of it in its entirety, so I am including the presentation that I made in class. I hope that you enjoy. While it took a significantly longer time to create than say...a term paper, it was so much more fun.

Update - War and Pieces

Earlier, I posted some pics of a project I am working on for my Sociology Class this semester. The class is Peace and Conflict Studies and we can choose our own final project (much better than just writing a boring old paper....I do plenty of that already...lol).

Anyway, I decided to do an art piece that would depict the ways that both war and peace are seen and how the two can intertwine and be connected.

This project from beginning to end has lasted almost 14 weeks so far (from conception to it's near completed state, and of course, I haven't worked on it every single day, but a few hours here and a few there.) I am getting really excited about the progress, and with the encouragement of a very incredible lady, I am going to post the updates as I go....

I won't post the finished product though, that will be unveiled in April (or December 14th if you are in my SOC class). Just an F.Y.I., I do accept some forms of bribery in regards to viewing the finished project.

Without further adieu, here is War and Pieces: The progress....