This is actually a work in progress that began on Facebook. I hope you all enjoy.
While I may have been away from the dating scene for entirely too many years, there are still a few common sense do's and don't's that one should never commit on a first encounter...or even a second or third...if you are lucky enough to get that far. This is a list of the things that I have learned along the way so far and I will update it from time to time.....
1. Never ask the person to move in with you telling them that they can pay rent in sexual favors. This will never end well. If you do this, I guarantee you will be considered a candidate for bedlam and your date will quickly scan the room for the nearest exit and sneak out at the first possible moment.
2. Never tell someone that you love them after maybe an hour of knowing them. Seriously, we both know that is a fallacy and all you are trying to do is get laid so you can move on to the next "victim".
3. Don't show your date text messages that you are receiving from other potential dating material. This one is a no brainier, but I still feel a need to break it down. No matter how attractive you are, funny, or whatever, your date wants to feel special. Making him/her feel like they are just another pencil in your planner is not a great way to be endearing and get another date.
4. If you are a guy(and this applies to women too...), do NOT sit there and discuss the various sexual positions you want to try with the girl(guy) that just walked by. While once again, this should be common sense, it has happened on enough occasions that it has become necessary to break it down into the ridiculously stupid.....you are NOT going to win your dates' affection, and while I understand it is human nature to people watch and to have sexual fantasies...keep them where they belong instead of blurting them out loud.
5. Never offer to a pay your date money to call of work to attend an event with you, especially on the first date. Not only is this absolutely screaming "desperate" and/or "sociopath", refer back to #1(It was the same guy).
6. Never tell someone that you are interested in them and would like to see more of them and an hour or two after your "date" send an email intended for another person of the opposite sex to the original person you went on the date with. I will guarantee, this will get you nowhere in life and simply make you look like the player you are. If you are going to be a player (more power to you), know the rules of the game and how to make the game work for you.
7. If you don't feel chemistry for someone you never will. It doesn't develop over time...and you only end up hurting the other person by trying to "fake" it.
8. Yes...I drive a piece of shit car. I am well aware that it was made in the early 1990's. I don't need to be reminded of that fact. When I want to get a new car, believe me, I will. Until that time, leave me the hell alone about it. *Since the time this was originally written, I have gotten a new car, so kiss my ass!*
9. Yes, I am going to school, and work a full time job. I still make time for my friends. I am very happy to. Sometimes my plans are last minute as time becomes available. But stop asking me to get together when it is obvious I am unavailable. It makes me feel bad for having to tell you no, I'm sorry.....I can't.
10. If you are married, you are married...there is no way around that fact. Even if you are not living together, you are married. I will not sleep with you. I can offer nothing further than friendship. It is a line I will not cross....so don't ask me.
12. Please don't tell me that you, "just never had time to tell me something" when we have been talking for a lengthy period of time and even gone out a couple times. If I can find the time to tell you about my life, certainly there is plenty of time for reciprocation.
13. A crucial lesson very recently leaned....never go out with anyone freshly divorced or otherwise separated. It won't work out...there are still underlying issues, and the chances of getting back with the ex, shockingly high. Though, I do have to say...I don't get it. They are your ex for a reason. Take a hint, if it wasn't good enought the first time around, it isn't going to be any better the second time around. A leopard can't change it's spots to stripes.
14. Don't take dating advice from someone that has been married for more than 5 years. They mean well and are only trying to help, but to be honest, they have been out of the dating scene for a long time and may not have the slightest clue on the best dating strategies....sometimes it is best just to nod your head and agree, lest they get you into trouble.
15. Well this is a new one...just when you think that you have seen it all. I know that men and women are very different (for more reasons than just anatomy), but there are some things that when said, should mean the same thing. I'll get to the point before I confuse you (and myself, which isn't hard to do). When he says, "We can go out to see a movie" (quoted verbatim from the txt message I got from him), one would assume he means go to a movie theater to see a movie. It is a natural assumption (you know what happens when you assume something though right? Wait for it....here it comes). What he really meant was, "Hey, lets cruise around in my Explorer and watch a movie on my dvd player that I had installed in my truck". This was of course after he took the lesbian porn out. I'm sorry, but that has got to be the most lame attempt at a "date" I have had the misfortune of coming across. Should I give up on trying to meet a decent guy? Hmmmmm, it's a tough choice....If I did, I wouldn't have all these terrible horror stories to tell you about.
16. I've been meaning to add this one for a couple of months, but as usual...I kept forgetting. It's worth a chuckle though... Never ask a girl out and then while on the date bring another woman over to the table and start making out with her. It's very bad manners and is a guarantee that there will not be a date #2 (unless of course she was actually cute and you were planning to share...lmao!).
17. Here's a goodie that just happened a couple weeks ago without going into specific details. Don't text me after 6 months of not speaking to me to ask me if I hate you for what you did the last time we were together. Here's a clue: If I have to ask you who the hell you are, odds are I want nothing to do with you. You fucked up and thank you for apologizing a thousand times...but really. The worst part is, he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to hook up after all the apologies. When I told him no, he started slinging insults. That is definitely not a way to get on my good side and all you are going to get is a well deserved verbal backlash from my bad side.
Honesty has always gotten people more places than dishonesty and most of the time the truth is far more humorous than what a person will come up with.
I jumped back in the dating pool after my divorce in 2007. Sometimes I feel like I jumped head first in the shallow end and may have hit my head....but then I pick myself up and realize...holy shit...that hurt...and I pick myself back up and continue wading around. As I continue down the dating path, I will continuously post faux pas as I come across them. Until I meet my knight in shining armor (or tarnished armor at this point) enjoy the ride with me. Hopefully, some of my experiences can help you spot a loser before it's too late.
FYI - I completely deleted #11. After re-reading it, I realized that no one was going to understand that one and I wasn't going to go into any further details on it, and no I didn't feel like re-numbering every entry after that, so there will not be a #11... Thank you.
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