First I am going to let you all know that this post started on MySpace. I am going to slowly transfer all of my oldest blogs and notes from other networking sites, into one, easy to swallow, blog page. I hope you all enjoy. Please also remember, that some of this was written a long time ago..... and anything that I put inside * * are present day comments.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Just getting this off my chest......
I always believed in love......I thought the man that I married almost a decade ago was my sould mate. I made sacrifice after sacrifice so that he could persue his career and be happy. I wish I could say all of that was true. The truth is, I was happy trying to make him happy.
I believed in forever. I never intended to fall into the 50% of marriages cliche. I tried very hard to make our marriage work and always believed the vows that I took.
I also believed that my husband felt the same way. How wrong I was. How can you love someone and not be IN love with them? Family is different and you love them no matter what. But the love a person shares with their "soul mate".......it is suppose to be the stuff dreams are made of. Poetry and songs were created.......better yet, wars were fought for it.
When I first found out my marriage was nothing but a lie, I was devistated. Looking back, I know that all the signs were there. I think I chose to ignore them thinking that they would just go away. I kept it hidden to everyone how unhappy I was inside. I thought that if I let him do what he wanted, it would make him happy and in turn we would be able to get back to where we once were. I would have my "Happily Ever After".
Unfortunately, I was wrong and in a matter of minutes everything I thought I knew was shattered and forever changed.
I was just making a photo cd of my chicago pictures for some co-workers.....and I found pictures of.....well.....they were risque to say the least. There were some in "our" house but I wasn't the woman in them. It wasn't my pleasure or passion that was on display. There were some of "females" I knew from years past. Females that I never would have thought would have such loose morals...females that I talked to....that knew he was married and obviously didn't care.
Those "whores" and I use that term nicely.....weren't the ones that got hurt or had their hearts ripped from their still beating chests. They had nothing to loose. What lasted for probably 30 - 60 minutes a few times a week or month or how ever long he saw them for, cost me ten years. But as much as it hurt, it opened my eyes.
It took me awhile before I came to my senses. I would sit around crying thinking that I had done something wrong and searching for support groups. The worst thing, was having people that have never been through it tell me that I will be ok......No offense, I know that everyone wanted to help, but it just didn't. I joined a couple of support groups and read some of their stories and realized that a lot of other people have gone through it and they have survived........ Family and friends that knew what I was going through was the greatest help of all.
One glorious day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. To this day, I can't explain it, but I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't the one with a problem. I centered my life around someone that would never feel about me, the way that I felt about him. The sacrifices I had made were in vain. I gave up my goals and dreams for someone elses happiness. We had grown too far apart. That brought about a whole knew level of sadness for awhile. I felt like (and still do on some level) that I had wasted almost a decade of my life. Everything I had and put off, I shouldn't have.
Finally I reached the ultimate level, when I think of him, I don't feel the anger of betrayal, or the sadness of years wasted. I feel nothing. Absolutely, gloriously, nothing but numb. I just don't feel anything. I can say that I am not ready to jump in and do it all over again. I may never feel ready for that. But I am not going to let life pass me by anymore.
I think the first real moment that it hit me was when I opened the door to my new apartment. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't even realize it was there. Now, I come and go as I please, talk to whoever I please and do whatever I please. It is a freedom that I didn't even know I had given up. It is hard to put into words what that feeling of relief was like.
I wish I could say I will never make the same mistakes again.....look at how many times history has repeated itself. I can say that I have learned a lot about life and myself in the last few months and in a strange way am a better person for it. Will I make mistakes? Sure, we all do. We are human and to err is human. Will I ever "fall in love" with someone again? Who knows anything is possible. Will I ever find the other half of my soul that will make it complete? I don't know that either. I'm not even looking. Right now, I have years of living each day to the fullest and I don't even want to think about it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
So the countdown has been on for a little while....this is just the first time I am posting a blog about it.
9 days until my freedom......In nine short days, I will be divorced and at a new stage in my life.
The past few months have been a test and I hope that I passed. It was a test to prove to myself that I am a strong independent person.
For several years, I stayed in a relationship that I shouldn't have because I didn't think I could survive....not physically...that was never the question. I wasn't sure if I could mentally handle a breakup.
I am proud to say that I have been happier in the last few months than I have been for more years than I can count. (Even through an extreme case of work sabatoge).
There are a few areas in my life that I still want to change, and a few mistakes that I wish I had a time machine to go back and fix, but all I can do is take things one day at a time.
Will I ever be the same? Absolutely not. Things that happened in my past have made me the person I am today. Do I still ponder over all the "what if's" in my life? Absolutely. I always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in the Army and what would have happened if I had not gotten married so young, but the difference between when I use to think about all the "what if's" in my life then and now is that I don't let them rule me. I use to just think and think about the "what if's" like I could somehow change then if I thought about it hard enough. Now I know that no matter how hard I want things to be different, they never will, so adapt and overcome.
As I stated before, I am a much happier person for it.
Anyway, nine days to the next evolution of my life......hopefully you'll be along for the ride.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Pondering the mysteries of life.....
They say that everything happens for a reason and that the world works in mysterious ways.
After living the last few years of my marriage in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from, I never thought it was true.
For quite some time, even before my divorce, I was in complete man-hating mode...ok so not completely hating, but definitely not man-friendly.
After years of marital rejection, men only had one thing that was even useful to me. For the purpose of good clean taste ( those of you that know me, know good, clean, fun is out of character), I will refrain from saying what the one thing was.....
Anyway, I digress. I reverted back to the party girl and was livin' it up......dates, one night stands, drinking, and hanging with my friends (that reminds me, if they are reading this...its time to get together again soon...). I was by no means looking for anything serious or long-term, or anyhting. I just wanted to have fun. I got married too young and missed out on a lot of life. I had a lot of "catching up" to do.
Earlier this month, something happened and changed everything. It was the stuff that only happens in the movies. When you can look across the room at someone and feel like you were just hit by a bolt of lightning. That is the only way I can think of to describe what I felt when I saw an old frind for the first time in almost a decade.
I always had a little crush on him since we were in high school. By the way, our parents have been friends since grade school and they moved to another state when we were very young. Needless to say, we have only seen each other every few years or so, but when I was married I never really got the chance to see him.
Anyway, I saw him for the first time in a long time and all I can say is it was like magic. The most amazing thing was he felt the same (and in fact told me how he felt before I had even said a word, so I know it wasn't a corny line to get laid).
We have been seeing each other ever since, and he is so amazing. He is caring, sweet, funny, smart, and the other stuff.....WOW! Out of this world...Absolutely amazing. Definitely no complaints here. But the best part, when I am with him, all the things that are going wrong in my life or have gone wrong in my life are but a distant memory.
I can't stop smiling, all the time, and I can't remember the last time I was ever this happy.
More news to follow, so stay tuned..........................
*Ok...After reading this.... I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. But only because I know what happens in the end.*
Monday, July 09, 2007
Life goes on....
*Warning: Parts of this blog ahve unfortunately been edited due to content.*
Looking at the date of my last blog, I realized I haven't written anything new in awhile.
I wish I could just claim it was because I haven't had time, but that would only partially be true. From May until the end of June that would have been an acurate statement. Working 10-15 hours a day six (most of the time seven) days a week. It was killing me. I have done that to myself for the past few years. Now, I am done and I am moving on.
In the beginning, working that many hours wasn't too bad. I didn't want to go home. Reality sucked. I was in an unhappy relationship, which, at the time I didn't want to admit becaue I wanted to try and fix it. I was a firm believer in the vows I spoke "Til' death do us part". Working was my way of escaping from the unhappiness. At the time, I had more fun at work than I did at home.
Once my ex and I decided to get a divorce, I continued working, it helped me through the emotional upheaval I was going through. That and a lot of alcohol to numb myself for as long as possible (or until I sobered up).
Somewhere, through all of that, I lost myself. I think that the people that I work with just started to take advantage of my workaholic nature (so let's be honest.....they weren't just starting to take advantage of me....that's been going on for years but it escalated to a whole new level). It took a very special person to help me see that there was so much more to life than work.
On that fateful Sunday my life changed. Saturday night, I was actually crying. I didn't want to come back home. During the three days we were together, I realized I was working myself to death for absolutely nothing. I couldn't go back after that. That morning I got to the airport to find that my flight was cancelled. I am still not sure why, but many flights were cancelled that day. I was stranded for the day and wouldn't be able to fly out until at least the next evening. While standing in line for two hours waiting to book another flight it hit me. This was my wake up call. It was my chance to change my circumstances. I already mentioned that I had been looking for anew job, but lest be honest.....witht the hours that I was working it was going to be impossible to actually follow through with any kind of leads. I believe in fate and that my flight was cancelled for a reason. I ended up staying in Texas for another week and it was wonderful.
I knew that I had to do something different with my life. In a couple of months, I am going to be thirty. Yes, some people will read this and say.....Wait until you get older. You are too young. Others that read this will say, oh my gosh, you are so OLD. Either way, I will be thirty soon and feel like I haven't accomplished anything with my life. Yes, I fell in love with a wonderful man that will treat me like a princess until the day I die and I thank the Lord everyday that he came back into my life, but as far as a career, so many of my aquaintances from school are very successful and have thier lives all mapped out. Here I am, got good grades in school, and have nothing to show for it thanks to some stupid choices I made when I was younger.
Right now I feel like a new person. Life isn't passing me by anymore. It is a relief to know that I have enough time during the day to see all of my family and friends again. My cats are happy. I am not just a person that comes in and puts food in thier dish twice a day and cleans out there box ever few days. I actually get to spend some time with them.
Am I scared? Hell yes! Not having a job right now scares me more than I care to admit, but I am very happy.
Well, the job search continues........
Friday, October 05, 2007
Little Things That Piss Me Off!!!!!
Okay, so we have all been there or done that.....I have compiled a list of the smaller things in life that should be inconsequential, but manage to render us speechless. They are not in any particular order and please feel free to add some of your own....
1. Leaving just a few squares on a roll of toilet paper so that you don't have to change it. Seriously, you are not fooling anyone. No one in their right mind could wipe their ass with the little scrap of toilet paper and not get messy.
2. Drinking a beverage in the fridge straight from the carton. No one wants your germs. Not to mention the fact that no one knows where your mouth has been. Sloppy seconds don't belong in the bedroom or the milk jug.
3. Tossing clothes where you take them off and leaving them there. The only acceptable exception is if you are in the throes of passion. You get to your home and just starting having wild, hot sex then and there. At that point who gives a shit if your panties landed on the fern in the corner? The point is, having a contest to see who can cover more of your carpeting is something kids in high school did. Make life easier on yourself. Buy a hamper and use it.
4. Hitting the snooze button…I have to admit, I am an offender on occasion. Honestly though, what does that extra few minutes get you? When I do it, I end up more tired than if I had just rolled out of bed, and I am late for what I was getting up for in the first place. Then there is always the fact that if you are sharing your bed with someone that doesn't have to get up when you do, you will annoy the shit out of them.
5. Toll Roads. With the amount that is charged and the amount of people that drive on them, toll roads should be some of the best roads ever driven on….Instead they are always under some kind of construction or are the worst to drive on.
6. People talking on cell phones while driving. I know this topic is hugely under debate whether it should be banned and for good cause. Many people that are talking on cell phones aren't capable of multi-tasking. They are the people that can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Plus, with the age of technology ever growing, a marvelous invention has been created. It is called Bluetooth technology. It allows someone to have an earpiece for talking so both hands can once again be on the wheel where they should be.
7. Leaving the toilet seat up. There is much debate between the sexes on this one. Some men feel that the toilet seat should be left up because it is less work. To them, they have to lift the seat up, handle business, and then put the seat back down. If the seat were already up, they could just handle business and be done with it; unless they need to…..you get the picture. Make the girl do all the work of putting the seat down and lifting it back up. As always, make the girl do all the work. Typical. For a girl, it is just plain disgusting to walk in a bathroom and find the toilet seat was left up. Especially, if the guy dribbles on the sides. Not to mention, there are some girls that get up to go in the middle of the night, don't turn the light on because they know where the toilet is and where the paper is and are capable of going in the dark, and the next thing you know your ass is falling in the toilet because someone left the seat up…….just plain disgusting. Take the extra effort to put the damn seat down! Trust me, your girlfriend will thank you for it.
These are just a few of what I am sure will be continued in later blogs. As I mentioned earlier, feel free to add your own to the list.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Just some rantings and ravings from a crazy person
So all day I have been pondering this age old question…..
Is it really better to have loved and lost than never have loved before? After thinking about it for a long while today, I have decided that the person to coin that phrase had never been in love at all.
How can someone say that never loving someone doesn't hurt as much as loving someone and losing them? To me it is inconceivable.
If you have never been in love, you will never have to know what pain is truly involved. To never have to feel like your heart has been ripped out still beating from your chest, and trampled underfoot. I envy you immensely.
Yeah, I know everyone says that the pain will go away………I even believed it myself last year. In time you will find someone…..blah blah blah……BULLSHIT!
All you are doing is setting yourself up for an even bigger hurt the next time. You tell yourself, I won't make the same mistakes…..and maybe you won't. Instead you make even bigger ones, more painful ones.
People even have the nerve to say that if you want something you have to fight for it.
Obviously, that doesn't work well either. You can't fight for the both of you. You can't force someone to be with you that obviously don't want to. It takes two to tango and two to make a relationship work.
Then there are the people that say if you love someone let them go…..if it is meant to be it will be.
That is the biggest line of shit I have heard in awhile. If it is meant to be you shouldn't have to leave them in the first place.
When you love someone, you love them. Pure and simple. You love all of them. The good and the bad. Sometimes relationships are work. Okay, they are always work. But, when you look into the eyes of the person you love and all the negativity you had prior to that moment simply disappears, and the only thing that you can think is how you don't want that moment to end…………do everything you can to cherish it. Preserve it. Hold it tight and never let go. No matter the odds against you, no matter what small sacrifices you may have to make once in awhile, do everything humanly possible to never let it go……
But then again, what the hell do I know? I'm the person that wishes I had never been in love. What do I know about relationships? I know this………I'm done with them for a long, long, while. I don't ever want to feel this pain again. Déjà vu. I said the same thing just over a year ago. And this time, I made bigger mistakes and it hurt a hundred times more………
So that's all for now. I'm off to the bar to drink myself into beautiful oblivion so that I can at least feel numb for a little while.
*Remember when I told you I threw up in my mouth just a bit? This is how that relationship ended. Not all fairy tales and unicorns.*
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
A long while back I posted a blog about little things that piss me off........Here is an addition to that posting.
Why do people fel it is necessary to talk on a cell phone every second of the day. It is unbelievable that in this day and age people can't go a few hours wihout it.
The worst part......they are RUDE about it. They haven't the first clue when it comes to etiquette. I hear cell phones ringing when I go to the movies, out to dinner, in the check out line at a store etc.... You get the picture. *and with the price of movies today, that's a bunch of crap*
I work in customer service and it completely aggrivates me when someone walks up to my counter talking on their phone. HELLO!!!!! You came to the counter because you need something, you are holding up other people from getting help and to top it all off you have the audacity to get upset at me for interrupting you to find out what the hell you wanted. Well.....SCREW YOU! Get off your fucking high horse, tell them you will call them back or get the fuck away from the counter until you are ready to be civil.
I know I mentioned this one before......people driving while talking on the phone. Another huge problem in this day and age. The cell phone companies have made the perfect invention for all of you that like to run other people off the road because you are to busy talking on your phone to pay attention to what you are doing. It is called bluetooth...... Invest in it and make our roadways a safer place.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Adrift On The Waves Of Life
Well Ladies and Gents.....I am now a college freshman at **College. I begin classes this fall. But, I am not hear tonight to talk about that...........
Even though I should feel overjoyed at the fact that I am trying to better my life and climb out from the huge, gaping hole that my life has become, I still can't feel any joy.
I don't really know what I feel besides empty.
This is one of my rare moments of sobriety these days that leaves me with too much time to think as I lay in bed trying to find the answers.
For a long time, I simply felt like a failure. I couldn't keep my marriage together and after that fell apart I devoted myself to working in a never-ending job that made me miserable. I left the job...... so technically, anyone could say I was a failure there. I met someone that was truly wonderful. That, if you haven't read a previous blog, fell apart. But he isn't the reason that I feel the way I do. I have felt this way for quite some time now. He just helped me to forget for a time that inside I was crying out.
What happened to me? Where did I go so wrong? I feel like I have not done one successful thing in my entire life.
Right now I just want to know what my place in the whole scheme of things is. What is my path? How will I know it when I come to the crossroads? All my life I took the wrong path and have paid heavy prices for those choices.
Now, as I am writing this blog, I just feel empty. I feel like I am all alone on a small ship, lost at sea. Waves churn and crash all around me but I can't find the shore anywhere. I have been feeling this way for a long time now and I don't know how to get back.
I use to think I was a good person. If that is true, then what is wrong with me? All I want is to be happy. I just don't know what happy is anymore or how to find it.
Sure, I have moments, brief glimpses into what a semi-normal life could be. But after awhile, when I am all alone, I think to myself..............
What if this is as good as its going to get?
"Life's A Bitch, And Then You Die."
*I have since transferred to a different school and have just a couple more years to go...fingers crossed.*
*And bye the way, I would be a terrible daughter and Senior Sales and Marketing Rep., if I didn't throw in a shameless plug about our business venture. Check out the website and become a fan on Facebook. *
Sunday, August 03, 2008
We are open fo business!!!!
It is official!
Natural Bathtime Essentials ® is now open for business.
All natural soaps, bath salts, fizzes, candles and more!
Come visit our website………
We have your bath time needs.
*That is all the past blogs from MySpace. I am going to do a separate posting for the Facebook notes (mostly, so that I have more than one blog under my belt...lol).*
Real life, art, and other fun stuff
Life is a journey, not a destination. Sure, we have all heard it before and it has become a cliche in our society. There is truth in that statement though. When one road is closed (and anyone that drives in and around the Toledo area can verify this), there is always another route waiting to lead you to where you need to be. I've learned a lot over the past few years and I plan to document both the good times and the bad. Hopefully, through it all, I can help some other poor, lost, lonely soul that is wandering on the road called life.